I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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