anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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