I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
