Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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