no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
