I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
