Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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