i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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