In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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