Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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