I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
