im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize