i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
