Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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