you guys were way drunker than both of me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
