does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize