i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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