Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
