She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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