so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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