I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
