His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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