it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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