My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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