her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
