My girlfriend figured out who you are.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
