my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
