the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
