I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
