The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
