Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
