My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
