I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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