I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
