the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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