Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
