I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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