His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
