Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
