guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
