I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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