I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
