he thought i was a dude.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize