your parents love me but you hate me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
