The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
