I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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