my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
