how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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