The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
