she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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