I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
