My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
