1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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