Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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