I wanna bring you to show and tell
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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