I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
