so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
