Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
