Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
